guilt, (1. fear of hurting others)

like rage, i suspect i’ll need a few posts on guilt to cover range.

for now, let’s talk about this fear in me that i will hurt someone i love. i can trace this back to childhood fear that i would kill or otherwise harm my family in my sleep. i dont know where this came from, and at the moment i dont want to dwell on it.

what i know is that there have been a few times in my life that ive been paralyzed by a fear of harming someone. since the birth of my second son,  this fear has been hovering on the fringes of my conscious mind. so the post about rage, and the fear that i had somehow damaged my infant by picking him up roughly needs to be also seen in this light: that only a few months before, i was sure i had given him brain damage by putting salt water into his nose. my evidence? that while normally he shrieked and fought me when i tried to clear his nasal passages (which had been clogged since birth), on this particular occasion, when i had dumped quite a lot into his nose in an effort to flush out the snot, he grew very still and peaceful.

that’s it. that was my proof that i had accidentally given him a lobotomy.

my husband came in and i tried to explain. he did short work of it.

“you need to sleep. you’re saying weird stuff”


today, tonight, i am convinced that he has fas. or downs syndrome because of the epicanthic folds of his eyes. although i suppose both conditions would be troubling, downs seems a relief. fas stirs this horror in me, paralyzing, unable to concentrate on what other people are saying, unable to respond to my other son asking for attention, this horror, roaring nausea. its a crime you cant be absolved on, that will just keep playing out in your life over and over, day after day, that with a few missteps, youve destroyed something beautiful.

what kind of monster are you anyway?

i dont have an answer.


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