Goals / Insufferable Arrogance*

*no, I’m not talking about the president elect, although this title could rightly apply to him. The difference, however, is that it is apparent to me that arrogance seems to have served the president elect well. I am certain that verifiable video of he and Putin engaging in fellatio while simultaneously discussing the overthrow of Western democracy would not, in fact, cause a call for new elections.

[yes, I’m taking a day off the 100 days, because I keep getting interrupted and also need to think through what I’m doing about posts]

No, the insufferable arrogance that I want to discuss is my own. I am at a cross roads at the moment, knowing what I want and knowing that I’ve no idea how to accomplish my goals. But then: perhaps I don’t want what I think I want, perhaps I’d be happier with something else, perhaps I’m better suited to something else, perhaps all the energy I put towards The Narrative is just a way of defining myself and pushing off reality.

At a Women In Technology meeting, the leaders of the group asked the women participants to define their goals. Everyone had lovely goals, broadly falling along two lines: making the world a better place and bettering one’s personal situation. Often people combined these two goals: through bettering myself, I will be in a better position to give back to the world. Because the participants had been drawn from a city community college’s IT program, bettering oneself meant getting an education that allowed one to take care of themselves and their families. Helping the world seemed to fall along the lines of assisting women and children in some capacity.

Me? I want to be published, win writing awards, and be available to my kids throughout their lives, by which I mean, I’d like to work 50-75% at a money making endeavor. Less would be fine as well.

The embarrassment of my selfishness and my screaming infant led me to leave the group, but the problem of what I want remains. Complicating my desire to have a full creative and family life at the expense of profitable career is the fact that I have failed, thus far, in almost every enterprise and challenge I have undertaken. Also, I have no guidance.

There’s different ideas out there about goals and mentors. One is: You need to put what you want out into the world and then it will (magically) come to you. This was the point-of-view disseminated by the women-in-technology group: that if we could just articulate out desire, the universe would rush to help fulfill us.

I can imagine few other concepts which fill me complete rage upon hearing them. (Actually, there’s LOTS of things which piss me off, the list is possibly endless and in no way fair or even political. But let’s skip that bit of honesty for now.) What do the people that hold this idea believe, that impoverished people simply can’t imagine a way out being poor? That hungry people lack the creative energy to conceptualize food?

It’s along the lines of “the only to fear is fear itself.” What? What!? So you haven’t heard about rape or dismemberment or cancer? I suspect in the original speech (Roosevelt?) there was a particular fear for which fear itself was the real issue, and likewise, the idea that we can put our intention out in the world and the universe will come to our aid likely comes from somewhere specific and has a specific message.



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