I spent the morning reading about senate bills 8, 258, and 415. I learned how I could find the actual text of the bill and used Indivisible Austin’s calendar actions to call the senators on the Health and Human Services committee to tell them I opposed these bills.
It was awful.
This is the most political thing I’ve ever done; before this, I have attended a woman’s march Huddle and voted. (Actually, I spoke with Representative Michael McCaul’s office yesterday to let him know about my opposition to repealing Obama’s title XI…only to realize afterwards that I am in Roger Williams’ district) I rarely even post political stuff on facebook, although, since I don’t use facebook to post personal stuff, this doesn’t mean that much.
I don’t know why it was difficult. I hate calling. I’m afraid of being challenged: I’m afraid the person on the other end will begin to question who I am and how much I know about what I say oppose. So I prepped. But in prepping, I had to then read about dismembering unborn children.
I’m not sure how to continue with this post.
Just this morning after dropping off N, I looked back and saw M’s unblinking stare. I hit the brakes a few times and yelled until he blinked. Only after I realized that I was going to get myself into an accident was I able to talk myself down: his nose, after all, was uncovered (I couldn’t see his mouth) so he hadn’t suffocated back there.
But at six months of age, I am still jogging upstairs to check on him in his pack and play. Not because anything could have happened, but just because.
Just because that anxiety doesn’t go away.
I get that the bill is worded in an inflammatory way. That dismemberment and the description of cutting, crushing, and removing a body piece by piece is meant to shock, terrify and ultimately silence opposition.
I can’t even recall the text of the bill, or my reading of it, without getting hysterical, without reliving the anxiety that ate up my pregnancy, the fear that any day could be miscarriage day.
This is the limits, then, of belief: I say that I do not believe that life begins as conception, I say that I believe that a woman decides, not the state. But fuck all let me not have to think too hard on this. At least for today.