mommy i want you

as a woman that has felt rejected by others throughout her life, i will confess no small need met by my older son’s  plaintive cry: mommy i want you. N is three, still discovering language and its uses. he doesn’t know ‘need’ only want, and he holds out the ‘a’ in ‘want’ for a full two syllables before releasing the end of the word.

it’s true i have an ambivalent relationship to others: in fantasizing about a get away weekend where I could sleep without interruption and do as a i please, I have no girl friends join with. in a world run by friendship and relationship, i have very very few, almost none, and certainly none which could take a weekend trip. what’s maybe even sadder is that i am ok with that: what i would really like to do for a weekend away is write and get clear in my head and work on essays. yes, ok, it would be great to have some girlfriends to go drink and talk and talk. but i’ve also had those weekends, whereas i dont believe i’ve ever sat for a weekend by myself just to work. i’ve stayed home to do it, but never selected just to get away in order to be in my own head. sounds lonely, but also sounds like a luxury.

per the post from yesterday, about the little room in the back of my head that I have fled to, i wonder if that wasn’t a botched attempt at the aloneness I’m discussing here. I didn’t know–and still barely grasp–how to separate and make time just to let my thoughts out, to give the thoughts, however unformed, inappropriate, and (the bigger deal) however unlikely to lead somewhere, free reign. I have this depressing ambition, that causes me to look at something and wonder how quickly I could succeed. to just say, the words are the words, they matter because i need to get them out rather than because they could lead me to some glorious future, that’s a relief.

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